Ever woken up in tears? Ever had to lie back down and convince yourself it was just a dream while your scumbag of a brain begs to differ?
Last night was one of those nights. A dream both vivid and ridiculous woke me up in cold sweats and tears this morning around 6am. It was one of those dreams that couldn't be real, no matter what happened it could.not.be.real. But when you wake up it's almost like a memory, not a fantasy. Like it's actually happened and you're dealing with the consequences as you lie awake struggling to breathe.
I dream't of waking up in my old room due to my heart hammering audibly in my chest, painfully. A rhythmic pounding almost like a drum beat. It drew me awake and it drew me to my feet till I was gasping for breath, falling through my door and down the stairs.
At the bottom of the stairs, my Father. On his back with a bag over his head and broken glass next to him. He shifted when he heard me and the bag was instantly off and my brain had remembered that guilt ridden face he'd given me when Mum had passed away so vividly that when he looked up at me in that dream...I honestly believed it was him. It was my father trying to suffocate himself.
At that moment I wanted to wake up. I wanted to wake up so bad, but in my dream I kept reasoning with myself. "I have to fix this. I have to prevent this." I can remember running into the kitchen and emptying every bottle of alcohol down the sink. I remember throwing those bottles against the brick wall in the back garden. I remember screaming at my dad in my dream and only when I was sure all the alcohol in my mind had gone did I wake up in tears, shaking. I was so shaken I was only a button away from calling dad to make sure he was still alive.
But I breathed, and I remembered where I was and I remembered talking him only 6 hours before and I calmed down and fell back asleep.
At that moment I wanted to wake up. I wanted to wake up so bad, but in my dream I kept reasoning with myself. "I have to fix this. I have to prevent this." I can remember running into the kitchen and emptying every bottle of alcohol down the sink. I remember throwing those bottles against the brick wall in the back garden. I remember screaming at my dad in my dream and only when I was sure all the alcohol in my mind had gone did I wake up in tears, shaking. I was so shaken I was only a button away from calling dad to make sure he was still alive.
But I breathed, and I remembered where I was and I remembered talking him only 6 hours before and I calmed down and fell back asleep.
Only to be hit by another dream when it was someone else trying to kill us both. Thankfully this one was ridiculous enough that after waking up I was only hit with paranoia and nothing else.
I think I can figure out where these dreams came from, recently I've been feeling hypersensitive to any mention of death for some reason. It keeps festering these heart wrenching memories of Mum and dreams like this certainly won't help.
But still, your mind is a dangerous place. Don't underestimate it.
